“Lie awake, stargazin’, I won’t sleep ’til mornin’
Echoes of your words sayin’, “Don’t write a song for me”
Everything is wrong in me, raised under wings of demons
And even if God’s with me, without you I have no reason
This’ll be the last time you hear me say sorry
That’ll be the last tear you waste on me cryin’
I broke this home, and just like my father, I’ll diе all alone

And, oh, what a life to live
Whеn you’re dyin’ for someone to give
To give you their love
To give you their love

I’m lookin’ at the kids’ faces
Sittin’ in the driveway while I pack up suitcases
I just ruined their holiday, and lies don’t die, they grow
And everything you try to hide eventually shows
The beast killed the beauty; the last petal fell from the rose
And I loved you truly, that’s why it’s hard to let it go
I broke this home, but I’ll change for our daughter, so she’s not alone

Oh, what a life to live
When you’re dyin’ for someone to give
To give you their love, to give you their love
And, oh, what a life to live (Oh, what a life to live)
When you’re dyin’ for someone to give (When you’re dyin’)
To give you their love (To give you their love)
To give you their love (Oh-oh-oh)

I wrote this in Room Three, spendin’ Christmas in rehabilitation
I got no phone, just a cell that I’m trapped in while my home’s vacant
I’m an inpatient, but I lost patience
I just broke somethin’, but I’m fixated on the gossip that I know is happenin’
While I’m just being left out of the conversation
It’s a complicated relationship, that’s nobody’s business
But I’m in this business, face it, I’ve been hidin’ from the ideation
That the public has been ruinin’ my reputation
And it’s crazy, seein’ quotations from a source that somebody curated
‘Cause for me, y’all can feel pure hatred
But just keep our baby out this situation
It’s a long road to redemption, and a shorter one to damnation
I know which one is my destination
But the journey doesn’t come without the frustrations
Like it doesn’t come without the temptations
And failure can lead to an elevation
‘Cause sometimes you gotta see what’s waitin’ on the other side
And know your soul’s worth savin’

And, oh, what a life to live
When you’re dyin’ for someone to give
To give you their love
To give you their love”

“Well, I’d hope that since we’re here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we’ve always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story’s played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing’s wrong
Just as long
As you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when (you’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
You’re the only one who knows that!

How the hell’d we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story’s played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing’s wrong
Just as long
As you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when (you’re the only one who knows that)”

“Too old to start all this again (start all this again)
Give all my love to just be friends

Is it too late to turn this around
Run back and find a way out
Love story fade in the darkness
Let’s go back to the way that we started
Too close, you were my end game
Full heart to filling this blank space
Dig deep, babe, I’m trying my hardest
Let’s go back to the way that we started

Oh-oh, to the way that we started

I wanna say you belong with me
But it’s like everything changed in the August heat
I just can’t shake it off
From lovers to lonely while you just watch this start
To fade away like we’re out of style
You can call it what you want I just miss your smile, yeah
This is me trying maybe our song
Ends with this silence, yeah”

“I see your smile in the sunrise
Look at the stars, but I only see your eyes
The brightest red in the sunset
Those summer nights with you lying there on your bed

Everywhere I go, wherever I stay
I’m always reminded of you every day
No matter the distance it won’t ever change that you’re my

Everything, everywhere, always
Love ’til it hurts, ’til my heart aches
The light in my world on my dark days
For always you’ll be my
Everything, everywhere, always

My cup of coffee in the morning
The break of dawn right after the storm lifts
And even if I know you’re miles away, close my eyes and pray that I’ll dream of you

Everywhere I go, wherever I stay
I’m always reminded of you every day
No matter the distance it won’t ever change that you’re my

Everything, everywhere, always”

“I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your light (without your light)
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight”

I’ve seen 11:11 2 times recently as I sought for understanding…..
I believe Heavenly Father is saying it’ll be ok.
Praying for things to align as He would have them.

“never give in, never give up”
You are worthy of all great things.
7.22.03

“Fall out
Fight all the way down
Just the way they want you to
Knocked down
Burned out
‘Till there’s no room to feel
To feel like me

The enemy
But what if I’m not the enemy?

Where’s the line?
Where’s the line?
Somewhere under the blood
Say you won’t change your mind
As they break everything you love
Tell me when you’ve had enough
Tell me when you’ve had enough

Nevermind the chemicals
Breathe in, breathe out, it’s all a lie
Choose your own reality
One day there’ll be no more sacrifice
‘Cause there’s nothing left to lose”

The past 5 years have been so exhausting.

Everything from a sudden divorce that I never wanted, trying to handle single life with 3 kids (then eventually 2 more), attempting to date and realizing the toxic nature of almost EVERYONE. Hoping and praying I could have a new start with a childhood friend of mine but finding out he only cares about himself and will never admit to the truth of what happened. That’s fine but I will keep my distance.

2022 had so much happen in one year it’s mind-boggling. Trusting someone else at the price of ending up homeless. All I could do is cry out to God and keep trying. Why the hell did I even trust this person to begin with? I got to see him play house with someone else right in front of my face, what a fool I was.

I had to bring my twins “home” to a hotel. NONE of this is what I had wanted for any of my children. All I can do is give all I can to them. Give them my time and presence and love.

I learned how to fight a court case by myself, even though him and his lawyer got the upper hand in the end but that’s OK because the truth will come to pass, it will. He wants to hurt me, that’s fine. If he thinks I’m interested in him at all anymore, he’s delusional. He played too many games and that burned the bridge when I showed him proof of his nonsense and he still dodged it. OK!

Don’t worry, God saw it all.
My dream was to stay married to one person forever.
Sometimes dreams are just dreams, I guess.
But I’ve always been a fool when it comes to hope.

22 was such a significant number for me before 2021.

It became a favorite.
July 22 the person that I would marry (then later have a divorce thrown at me) asked me out with a South Park e-card
I would celebrate July 22nd every year with joy and gratitude
Him and I were both born at :22
I had our first daughter at 22
I clung to that joy, the meaning

Today makes 23 years since that e-card
Of course my life is completely diff now.
Some might say, why are you even talking about this? Shouldn’t you have moved on?

Yeah, maybe.
These things were what made my world light up and I guess in my heart, it still matters, is all.

“You don’t remember me, but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do

I believe in you
I’ll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You’re taking over me

Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

I believe in you
I’ll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You’re taking over me

I look in the mirror and see your face
If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are just like you are taking over”

“Little variations on my page
Little doors open on my cage
Little time has come and gone so far
Little by little, who you are
I can see the patterns on your face
I can see the miracles I trace
Symmetry and shadows, I can’t hide
I just want to be right by your side

I will give you everything to…

Say you wanna stay; you want me, too
Say you’ll never die; you’ll always haunt me
I want to know that I belong to you
Say you’ll haunt me
Say you wanna stay; you want me, too
Say you’ll never die; you’ll always haunt me
I want to know that I belong to you
Say you’ll haunt me

Together, together, we’ll be together
Together forever, I belong to you
Together, we’ll be together
Together forever, I belong to you”